it is 1am and i am thinking about death again. grief has sunk its gnarly teeth into my flesh and the bones and sharp edges are here to stay forever, i think. perhaps they will erode with time, or perhaps their grip will grow even stronger instead. i’ve made peace with it, but that hasn’t stopped my blood from pooling or my wounds from festering. everything still fucking hurts and i have no sweet fucking clue how to dull it but i have learned how to live with it. much like the grief of trauma and abuse and disability have been my constant companions, so now too is this grief.
i have been lucky enough to have both friend and stranger reach out to me as i continue to endeavor to process all of it, and it is this shared suffering that makes the ache feel at least a little less lonely. i am truly, profoundly grateful.
still, it is very strange. i have always held hands with death in a multitude of ways, and i do not hold any animosity towards it. if anything i have found myself embracing the inevitability of death even closer than i used to. it is much less of something i fear now (given my very strict christian upbringing), but more something that i can allow to transform me if i desire it. i’m really trying to embrace that, and to make this world even just marginally better because being kind is what my gramma would want; her kindness was her most beautiful quality, and i want to keep her alive in that way.
but i miss her… i miss my gramma so fucking much every day, but especially on hard days. i knew she would always be there for me no matter what and losing that connection has been devastating. reaching out has always been a never-ending battle for me but it never was with her. she and grandpa always had my back during the roughest and ugliest parts of my life and now they are both gone and i don’t really know where this is going but i’m unsure of how to dull the profound agony in my heart.
she would have been really happy for me starting t if she were still here, i think. she wouldn’t have understood but she would have been happy for me just because she only ever cared about my well-being above anything else. i hope she’s finally able to enjoy her rest in peace.
its gonna be a long night again.
Leave a Reply