Ever since acquiring my first chest binder, I have been absolutely ravaged by new gender shit and it’s driving me a bit bonkers. I knew I was going to be more comfortable in my skin with it, but I didn’t realize just how agonizing it would be to be without it on. I’ve been out and so fuckin happy as non-binary for almost a decade now but I’m feeling so many new things lately. Definitely still non-binary, definitely still happiest when being referred to without anything gendered, but like… the body is not happy, and it’s not just the chest pain or heart palpitations from my new job or the knee pain I am always accosted with.
I’ve happily identified as sapphic and bisexual for a while now, and I’m still very content with the bisexual part, but I don’t know how to feel about the former. I just don’t wanna be associated with any gender whatsoever, but I don’t know exactly where that feeling leads to. I just want zero gender associated with me, I guess? I’m just Kestrel. Kestrel without any kind of gender attached to that.
I’ve been humming and hawing over it for a long while, but I think I’m gonna make the plunge to call my local trans healthcare office and request to start HRT… Which is kind of really scary for me considering the kind of people I have in my immediate family, but we move. It may mean I can get a full hysterectomy when I get my surgery date scheduled though… Please just fucking free me of this organ forever. It cannot happen soon enough.
Dysphoria shoo
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