I am… very tired. I was able to spend my Saturday attempting to relax, but I slipped away to my hometown early Sunday morning for my grandmother’s visitation. The room she was in was humid and putrid so it didn’t take long before I was extremely overstimulated, but it was nice to see family. My dad told me he would be going to the funeral, and my aunt and uncle hosted dinner. It was a little strange to be back in that house because my grandparents used to live there… they’ve done a lot of renovations to make it much more comfortable and suitable for hosting, which is nice! But it was a little. weird. y’know. I hadn’t been able to keep much food down since I got the news of gramma passing, so I wasn’t able to eat very much, but I made sure to get something in^^; I can’t even remember what I ate because everything was so surreal and I had been stuck in survival mode for a while by then.
The funeral was very nicely done by my uncle—it was everything I know gramma would have wanted. It was uncomfortable to be back in a church setting but I know gramma would have loved it. I was just disassociating through the whole thing, I think. We had a nice lunch afterwords, just like at my grandpa’s funeral. (It was in the same building, too. Their church.) I had a couple sandwiches and caught up with some family, and also got to meet even more people I had no idea existed. A lot of people showed up—I have always known my gramma knows so many different people but it was a lot more than I expected to show up for a funeral in such a small town. Gramma was kind, sweet, funny; she was loved by so many people… I am keeping that closer to my heart now.
The drive to the cemetery was hard—I really should not have worn high heels that day lol. I don’t think I’ve ever cried harder in my life.
She was buried next to grandpa. It’s still so hard to believe she’s not here anymore. She was a second mother to me, but more than that she was a best friend. I could always go to my gramma when things got really hard, but I don’t have that option anymore. I’m relieved she is no longer suffering—she was very ill at the end, but she did not suffer for long, at the very least. I’m going to miss her so terribly, though.
I can only handle my family in small doses, so I was ready to leave by the end of the day. I just tried to stick around family that I knew were not super queerphobic lmao. Things went rather well until the end when things got tense and one of my cousins dropped some transphobia all over the place. Thanks, man! My mother also loves to ask invasive questions when I at my fucking limit and this trip was no exception. I need cishet people especially to back the fuck off regarding the decisions I make about my own body and my own personal life. Very unkindly; leave me the fuck alone lmao
I had a friend come to visit when I got home because I desperately needed some in-person friend time after everything. I’m still not doing great, but I’m doing what I can. I’m sleeping a little bit better; my therapist is helping, and so are my local friends and chosen family. It’s still hard to wake up every morning, but I’m trying to focus on the little things; like the smell of my tea in the morning, the comfort my roommate’s cats bring, the laughs I’m getting from a new video game, and the soothing voice of one of my favourite streamers after work… working on cosplay has also kept me going.
But I really, really just want to cry.
I hate being vulnerable but what I hate even more than that is my habit of keeping everything inside of myself until I explode so! Progress, I guess. Maybe.
I do desperately wish for someone to hold me through all of this. I know I’m not alone, but! It would be nice to have some physical comfort! Alas,
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